To Grab the Last Brownie or Not? That is the question.

Happiness is created from within.  We are the captains of our fate  and the creators of our fulfillment.  The more negative traits that we  “sacrifice” within ourselves, the more we are able to manifest  fulfillment. Today, go against one aspect  of your selfish nature. -A Kabbalistic Daily Message.   Sounds so simple...yet not.  How often do we think  about ourselves first?  Ummm... mostly always.   When doing so, like in a line up, a car lane, an office  meeting, a buffet we are simply putting ourselves first  at the expense of others.  Not always, but a lot - it's our  inherent nature.  Notice it.  Does it help you live in  the moment?  Or, does it just create more space between  yourself and others?  More importantly, does it  bring you happiness?   Okay, I gotta admit - sometimes when I do  manage to get the last brownie on the desert tray I fully enjoy the moment - I mean, like happier  than I've ever been in my life, but then what happens?  I become a tad uncomfortable and wonder why I am  always trying to get what I want and don't always think  that others may want it too.  Well, now I try to stop,  restrict for a second or two, and then grab the brownie  anyways cause Fuck it, they're friggin' awesome!   No, no - I truly question my motives when attempting  to get what I want and if anything it just makes me  more aware of others and how I can be a bit better  to others.  I don't know, worth a try, especially if it  brings some form of peace.  And peace leads to  happiness, right?  Om.

The Gods were Smiling When...

In a moment of panic to buy soy milk I bolted from my car, ran to the store, made the purchase and rushed home.  Once home, I found that I couldn't find my cell phone!  Yes, the phone was gone - this time for real.  My lifeline - my Blackberry - gone.  What did I do?  Where did I leave it?  

It was the kind of day where nothing is really going all that right. I'm living out of my car, chucking things here and there and swinging my bag into the back without a thought of its contents.  But, no, it wasn't in the bag when chucked - it was on the door where I carelessly leave it when not talking, or texting while driving (so kidding).  Shit!  It dawns on me...

The phone fell off the door, when swung open in a soy milk deprived stupor, and onto the very busy street.  Shit!  So, I seriously scream, "FUUUUUUCKKKKKK!"  and run out to my car, fly to the spot I had parked in not fifteen minutes ago, park illegally across the street, and run helter skelter to the spot.  When, what do I see?   My cell phone, face down, dangerously close to oncoming tire wheels, and safe! I run to it - halt oncoming traffic - clean off the dust, and cannot believe my good luck.


Funny how it takes the fear of bad circumstance to infuse us with intense gratitude.  Yes, the Gods were smiling on me that day and for that my whole day and mood changed.  Smiles.

Plucking at Laugh Lines

This morning I was looking in the mirror, plucking the eyebrows when I tried to pluck at this dark hair on the corner of my eye.  Then I realized that it wasn't actually an eyebrow but a laugh line!  Oy.  I tried to pluck my laugh line.  But, if truth be told, hair bugs me much more than laugh lines do. 

Some of my friends complain about all lines on their faces, including laugh lines.  While I don't love and rejoice over some of the facial lines (like the gorgeous forehead split - dead center which is making me contemplate bangs) I have grown fond of the laugh ones.  You see, they are a mark of a life laughed over.  One where I seek out and often manage to find the comedy in most all situations.  Once, after falling over a cliff on my bike, I laughed - delirious, you say, you are probably right, I reply.

When you see an old person coming towards you, you immediately can tell what kind of person they are, their character, based on their lines. Some have this face that droops down, down, down like a hound dog which tells the story of a life full of dissapointment and resentment.  While others, like mine is destined to be, with eye creases, and a mouth permanentaly upturned,  informs outsiders that this person is friendly, open, and fun.  I'd prefer the latter.

So, while ridding myself of all unwanted hair, and maybe a few yucky lines, I will not scoff over my laugh lines.  Because I want to be that old broad who approaches people and doesn't scare them away, but has them saying "hey, wanna hear a joke?"  That's what I want.  Then my evil twin Judy will scoff, "Ahh...move along you whippersnapper!"  Can't wait to be cantankerous!  Then I'll burst out laughing thereby deepening my well deserved lines o' laughter!  Laugh on my people - and celebrate those comedic lines!

Ever the Optimist - I will Survive! Dammit!

Yesterday, and I know it sounds pitiful, I cried a lot.  There I am going from sale to sale only to close nothing and feel like a shmendrick.  I'm like the modern, female version of Willy Loman.  Trudging along with suitcase in hand, always going for that Big Deal that tantalizingly dangles a hair away from my nose.  To commemorate these daily trials I've composed a short poem:

Today I woke up full of Hope and Promise

and still

nothing happened

And, as I sit here on a Saturday morning, coffee in hand, I'm filled with optimism, yet again.  Somehow I know that next week deals will close and I will have the mighty paycheck.  And, I tell you, when that happens, I will go out for dinner - oh, I will! And, I will enjoy it like I've never enjoyed it before.

Next week - something will happen.  Well, every week something happens.  But, next week money will happen.  They say money doesn't bring happiness.  They are the ones with money. I'm pretty happy so money will not be the basis for my happiness but as I sip a glass of lovely wine, order my appetizer, and chat with my loving friends,  knowing that I don't have to do the dishes following dinner, oh, I will be happy! 

Does a Pity Smile Count?

So, there's self-pity. It happens.  Mainly cause shit happens. We feel it's happening to us, and that life is out of our control.  Life is how we view it based on how we react. But, not feeling so strong today my usual oh, it's all going to be fabulous! You know it.  It's the only way that it can be.  You are making it happen.  Good girl. Good girl... and so on didn't kick in today when I went to get my car inspected only to find out that I'd have to spend yet another five hun and something or else, oh, I don't know, the wheels would fall off.  Is it really all that important?  How bad could it be?  Wheels could fall off and I could then just bump off to the side of the road all confused but unharmed, right?

Then I got to thinking about how I'm working these sales, got a bunch on the burner, the boiling point imminent,  yet still...I became a complete failure when I clearly saw the future and the money I needed to spend as soon as I made it when I need it for other stuff like oh, food and such.  Anyways, so there I was in an alley - not like that.  In my car, in the alley, a nice alley with bushes and stuff, with my radio going, crying.  Just deciding to let her rip.  A lady passes by, I think of ducking but don't, I'm going to let my tears shine just like my smiles do when what do I get? Uh huh.  A pity smile! The lady crossing in front of my car with the stretchy lime green pants gave me a pity smile.  And, you know what, it make me fucking sadder.

Now, being all Smile Vancouver and stuff I have to somehow see the upside of my situation, right?  Right.  So, after many hours of well deserved self-pity I thought that money is nothing but how I value it.  There is a need and I will survive.  I'll better than survive but for now, I have to just take the bad and really, really enjoy the good.  Like right now, sitting outside, glass of wine, kids playing or fighting - hard to tell sometimes, my pally is cooking up a feast, and Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year) is tomorrow night, and things aren't so bad. Bring on the shift.

I am so excited for this coming year cause things can only go up. It is the way they must go. Man, they are going to soar ever so high.  Money is merely borrowed while we're here on earth so I'm going to continue to focus on my spirit and know that happiness is derived from my spirit truly finding the good, even if it's the teeny tiniest of good in all situations.  Such as, if I don't fix those wheels I could be speeding as I tend to do being a Montrealer and all and then maybe crash and not be able to walk or something.    Ahhhh... there we go, all better.  I'll just get it fixed and not even pay for it - that's what credit is for.  Much much better. I'm smiling on the inside now. 

Familiar Strangers - we all have'm!

So, you walk down the same street, hallway, stairwell, or mall and see, yet again that girl, or that guy, whom you always see.  Thinking, "that shirt looks so much better on him than that orange one he was wearing two days ago," or "hey, she got a new haircut!  Looks awesome!" you continue on your merry way.  Nary a word was shared - only eyes darting ever so quickly towards one another and away again.  How many familiar strangers do we all have?  I don't know but I've got a plan.

So, what say we break the pattern and begin by, oh, nodding with that I know you know that I know that we see each other on a regular basis. I see you - you exist - and you is A Otay in my book!  Start with that. I don't want to scare Vancouverites into true, east coast friendliness so let's start with the you exist in my world acknowledgment.  The other day, on a rocky, secluded unofficial dog beach, I met this young family.  The woman and I got along famously and I mentioned my blog and my mission and she said that as a Vancouverite she really doesn't feel like smiling to people and going outside herself.  That she wants to stay in her head, thinking  about her stuff.  But, now with her son, she is seeing the other side.  Her son smiles and says hi to everyone and the people smile and are genuinely touched by his lovely, open manner.  So, with a little coaxing from the smile ambassador, this nice lady might begin smiling more. With her son at her side, she might have no choice.  Back to FS' in our lives.

So, start with a nod to your familiar stranger - then see what transpires.  Perhaps the nod will lead to a chat.  Then the chat will lead to a laugh. Now,  you are laughing when seeing this person whilst going through the maze of your life to get whatever it is that  you need to get done to actually have a life with some semblance of order.  In other words, when going from here to there, share.  And then, the familiar stranger becomes an acquaintance.  An acquaintance can become...who knows?  Open up people!  Now smile.

New Beginnings - New Year - Mission Statements - Apples mit Honey

September is a time of beginning and change - not just for the Jewish people who celebrate Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, but for everyone.  The days get shorter, the leaves are changing colors, and we become more introspective as we look at life more on the inside, than the out.  Yes, fall is a time to fall back into old patterns of cocooning, slurping comfort foods, and watching our favorite, albeit guilty pleasure, TV shows.  At least that's how I see it.  But, when I went to meet with Rabbi Shmuli the other night to discuss the Kabbalastic interpretation of the Jewish New Year I saw this time of change a bit more profoundly.

Our lives can be broken down into the kinds of times we are having:  depressing, productive, and holy.  In order to feel more fulfilled, and have more control, on a daily basis we must find a way to steer ourselves more lucidly.   So,  a plan was set in motion thousands of years ago whereby every new moon, or Rosh Chodesh, was marked as the head of the month.  And, as the head of the month, we have to go inside our heads, set our goals for the month ahead (p the p), and remind ourselves upon awakening daily of the goals - or our own MISSION STATEMENT for the month.  But, now, at this time of year, we have an even greater opportunity to set our heads straight and must create our year's mission statement.

At the head of the day - or the first two minutes of every day, take the time to meditate on your month's mission statement (which, of course, coincides with the year's one). Believe that you will overcome adversity so that you will not fall into old patterns of self-effacing thoughts, of victim emotions, and of external pressure (as in all the people you confront on a daily basis).  While it is not easy - it is even harder without the day's mission statement starting you off, revving your motor.

For those of us who partake in the Jewish New Year (and, for the record, I think everyone should!), I have some new Apple mit honey meaning for you from the Shmulimeister.  He said that the apple is like our ordinary life - some apples are sweet, some are sour, some are in between.  The apple represents the ordinary times of our lives.  Then there's the honey - the honey is sweet yet comes from a bee who stings... hmmm.  So, out of something painful like a sting can come the sweetest of gifts - honey.  Get the metaphor?  So, we take the apple, our ordinary times, and dip it in honey and whisper to ourselves:  Please help me to find the sweet in the tough times I will encounter this year. 

I will do just that when I sit around my chosen family's Rosh Hashanah dinner table - and, chances are, I will give a little speech (I so love speaking!).  And, it's not easy lately for me to be happy.  Yesterday was a pretty negative day and I dipped down into fear and depression and saw myself as less than I am or could be.  I'm working for this company Debit Credit Canada offering people the best possible rates on credit card processing for their business.  Only everyone promises the same thing but not everyone is an independent broker.  Nor does anyone offer a chance for us to analyze their reports and to save them money without any cost.  All the same it's a tough sale.  There's also an altruistic component to the business called the Chai Advantage but convincing my fellow Jews that there is no catch, they can save money and give to charity, is friggin' challenging.  How'd we all get so cynical?  Oh, I know - years of oppression blah blah blah.

So, yeah, doing the sales thing.  Applying for every job on Craigslist:  Roofer?  Well, my grandfather had a roofing company - that counts as experience, right?  Hand model?  I have hands!  At the same time I'm trying to spend nothing so that I can keep the pittance of cash in the bank for a deposit on a place that can't cost me all of the pittance.  And, applying as a substitute teacher - when I worked full-time for ten years, and have a Masters degree.  So, the poor me mentality is often taking over my positive mission statement, and personal drive.  But, the sad thing is that no matter what I have to keep going - I gotta push so that I get settled.  I'd like to be like the apple - have some ordinary times for a bit rather than this fucking struggle.

So, I began the day today with an epiphany and I will go with that.  They are free, right? And, when I find myself treading downhill towards the Place of Lack I will just have to take a detour to the Place of Have and go over my talents, ultimate possibilities, and trust in the energy source of the universe.  What I put out I eventually get back, right?   Well, I'm ready!