Me - NOW and THEN

I probably haven't written on this thing for a while because I had nothing smile worthy to share so dim was my view. But now, as you'll read, I'm a whole lot better off for dragging myself through the sludge.  I'm not saying it will be all roses in the future, but I'm hoping the worst has passed for a while.  Is that too much to ask?  Anyhow, I am smiling more these days...find out why. Read on.

Current "Me":

I'm an entrepreneur - a woman of many means. I do: PR; personally assist successful business women (because they rock!); promote the family business; sell credit card processing (aka. the lottery); cook for a friend, a "she" as it happens, who is a rigger for the BC Place roof (12 hr days, 7 days a week); collect stuff to sell at my own event (with pal of same name weird); shlepp shit for Live Nation (but get free entry to most concerts  along with tons of free food to fill the fridge); am surveying a few other original business concepts; and basically, having the time of my life. 

No office for me. 

I figured out how to make that happen. 

The idea of waking up, for the second year in a row, as a dog owner in blustery Van City, only to head off to some office, work amongst people and make nice nice, then leave in what looks like night time (which it has since 3:15) made me want to off myself.  I’d get pains in my stomach just thinking about it.  Like getting showered and dressed super early, and bringing a lunch!  Forget it.  I’m done. So now I work five-plus jobs but somehow it doesn't feel like work.  I do feel totally responsible for bringing in more business (which sometimes just means making the boss’ life easier).  But as long as I back these businesses, and the women who run them, and enjoy their company then I win. Money became secondary to spiritual survival. What I decided was that no matter what happened I had to be happy and couldn’t do what I hated.  It was my fear of an uninspired life that made me take all those risks and become plum broke.  But now I know what I was supposed to learn and it’s all about what I do from day to day and what/whom I support.

That’s a good feeling

along with the not having to pick up poop in the wee hours. 

Former "Me":

I am a 45 year old woman who is single, unemployed, and without my own home.  Yes, it may sound sad...but it's not.  Because, you see, I am in the situation that I'm in because of the risks, moves, and challenges I've taken on.  I was a waitress for ten years, taught high school Drama for ten years, ran a business for the last three years in Florida, and am now back in Van City where I plan on making it big!  Instead of ranting about Vancouver's shortcomings to everyone I meet (not great on a first date!), I figured I'd start my own blog.  Along with the bitching will be honest accounts of thoughts, conversations, happenings, and the like.  Love to all!  In the end, all we have are the memories and the ones that count are those involving connecting with other living beings.  Happiness  is a choice y’all – start with a smile.

My Very Own Mr. Miyagi!

My friend and I, both late 40's, started playing tennis.  It made sense to us - play outside while you can, meet people who will undoubtedly smile at us chasing balls, and get in shape.  And it is fun! The mind is working overtime, and that doesn't hurt either in our old age.  We must concentrate on what the hell we should be doing in order to friggin' hit that ball to each other.  It looks easier than it is.  That said, we've got potential. It helps that I'm a pretty good observer and don't mind watching players better than me (which is...um...everyone) and learning from them.

So, last night, dragging our asses after some forty-five minutes of playing or um, ball chasing, we notice an old Asian man playing by himself.  He's methodically lining up his balls (hey now! Respect!), hitting them to the other side, walking very Zenlike to the other side of the net, collecting said balls, and repeating the procedure.  I yelled to my partner, "Hey! He could be our very own Mr. Miyagi! Here's our chance to get a free lesson."  So, we started smiling at him and excusing ourselves when we had to run in front of him to collect our wayward balls when he took notice of us.

He told us that we were doing very well to which we pshawed and all of that.  But then he quickly advised us to get lessons pronto or else we'd develop bad habits that would be difficult to change. Hmmm.... like the drinking and chocolate consumption?  Sounds familiar.  So, we kind of asked him what he knew and he was thrilled.  He gave us great tips, made us practice, told us to aim the ball to him because he was too old to run far, and really knew what he was talking about.  Well, Mr. Miyagi he was because not only did he motivate me to improve my game but he inspired me in a more profound way.

Mr. Miyagi, or Chan, is 91 years old.  He teaches badminton and tennis to the old folks in the community center, has lived in this community for many years, and seems pretty happy (I mean, he must be, cause there he was, in the evening, alone, playing tennis).  He stated that he'd been playing tennis for a while so I imagined him playing as a kid.  Well, not so, as he let us know that he started ten years ago. My friend and I looked at each other - so... we've been making excuses for not running for the ball because we're so old to be starting this sport when Mr. Miyagi here started at 81.  Gulp.

Now, we're all smiling.  It works.  Get out there - before the rains come back, play outside like a silly kid, talk to strangers, learn from others, and attract smiles.  It's that easy.

Smiling Downs

As I recall, the last blog was full of sunshine and lollipops.

Well, as I sit here, in our lovely city, waiting for the sun to really cast its warm glow, I am well aware of the challenges we face.  Riding the waves - the ups, the downs, and the in betweens, I know how difficult it is to look outside myself to smile at passersby.

But, as I recall, when things are their toughest, is the time to step outside yourself and smile, give, and push the generosity card.  I've been in a state of LACK for the past while now.  One where I focus on what I don't have, rather than what I do have.  No matter how much I pontificate about  Vancouver and how crucial it is that we smile at our neighbours, I look at the homeless pair sitting across from my home, in the park, and fail to be welcoming.  Is it me?  Okay, bad example, but still...

My pal, who was kind enough to take me out last night, said that the best way out of lack is through giving.  So, that is my new way.  I will give till it hurts.  I will socialize, listen to others talk about how difficult it was finding those designer jeans or decorating their new home, and I will care.  I'll really, really care.  My mind will not drift to thoughts of "can I afford a good cheese this week?" or "am I going to be single for the rest of my life?"  Instead I will really take an interest.  Through giving I will get.  So selfish really,

So, as the sun fails to shine, as I'm chilled in my kitchen with a definite lack of motivation regarding work, as I look down at my toes reminded of a drastic pedicure need, as I notice dust bunnies forming mouths in which to speak to me, I will find a way to smile. First at others, then at myself.

It's just got to be.  Things will turn around.  Life will improve.  There is no lack - only love.  I have LOVE!  My time will come. 

I feel like Stuart Smiley. 

LOCATION TIMING LOCATION TIMING LOCATION

Okay, so this time I've got the best reason for not writing: any free time I have will heretofore be spent with my new boyfriend coming up with all crazy shit.  We should be writing it down but we're not...yet.  Stay tuned for a dual effort of creative genius and rantings beyond your wildest dream.

Too much?

Okay so this whole blog is(was) about trying to get Vancouverites to smile more.  On where I have free reign (cause nobody can stop me, I mean, I'm here, alone, writing, tough shit, too bad for Jew) to criticize all I'm witnessing. But lately, and here's the rub (literally), I've got nothing to complain about.  I should just log off this thing once and for all and, I swear, if I weren't so narcissistic I probably would.

Anywhooooooo,

All along it was me, hanging within myself, self-deprecating shit, hanging on to faint traces of optimistism to make it to the next day, and walking the streets with dog looking for some hint of hope.  So, looking, with such vehemence, can turn people off. But I did all right and all of it, all of it brought me here.  Awesome.  Sure I lack motivation to work or do anything other than have fun but that ain't so bad. Motivation's overrated.  Okay, back to it - so I was projecting what I could when I could and getting back what I put out. Got it.  So textbook.

Now, because I am connected and increasingly connecting to said man (or moy - man-boy - from here on in to be referred to as Moishe) I am not looking towards others for happiness.  I am happy.  Like really fucking happy.  Right now.  Now, I know that tomorrow or the next day I may not be as happy as I am right now but maybe I will. This time I have a chance at continual happiness.  I can't go wrong: best lovin' ever coupled with friggin' awesome conversation and laughter.  Pulllleaaaase. 

This isn't luck - I truly deserve this.  I know it's new but it feels different...human, raw, committed.  We'll see - says the side of me whose always been disappointed.  But it's okay to listen to her a bit because yes, we'll see, and as Mags says, if you wanna see the person the next day you'll continue to see them.  So, that's where I will place it and will continue to open my heart and observe myself in such a state of bliss.  Guess everyone else can see it too.  Nice.  That should get'em smiling. 

Oh, and one more thing - and the point of the title of this post is that I moved to the east - to wonderful Commercial Drive, where I've already made friends and there's a dog park across the bloody street.  People smile more readily over here. So you see, the lack of Vancouver smiles was about location and my personal happiness.  Now that I'm in a relationship and living in a hip area people are, wait for it, smiling more.

How lucky is that? 

WEATHER TO SMILE

It has, once again, been a bit of a while since I felt like pontificating about my quest to get Vancouverites smiling.  When walking the dog in the wee hours of the morning's darkness I can't blame people for not even glancing my way - as I don't necessarily feel like chatting, or offering a clever quip, much less smiling. 

Then the sun starts to shine, I'm noticing blooms on the trees, and am caught stating, to my dog, "Look Bogie, there are buds!" or "Hey Bogie, you smell the flowers?" And I wonder why people turn away.  But, you see, the difference is that Bogie smiles back - at least it looks like a smile, with a bit of drool - so charming.  Then the rains come again, I sink into a gloomy mood, and stop smiling, even at Bogie.

Suddenly it's winter again - snow is on the ground, people are throwing it in the air (okay, the "people" I'm referring to is me, but still), and "hellos" are being offered willy nilly.  The clouds open and water pours from the sky and once again we forget about one another.  Now, it's icy,  and slushy, and I'm realizing how this whole post is about the weather.

Weather really does affect our mood. I'm not offering a cutting edge theory here, but as I live it, here in Vancouver, it becomes ever more apparent.  As opposed to living in Florida where everybody ambled around in their sand encrusted sandals with goofy smiles on their faces.  What's more important, being friendly or intelligent? Is it possible to have both? 

I think so.  Look at me. Okay, don't look at me - but look at my friends; they're pretty smart and are quick to offer a "hello" to the passersby.  Regardless of IQ it's important to keep it going, flowing, whatever the weather.  Guess whose getting the lesson here?  Moi.

A %$#*?(^ MOMENT!

I hate to use this term, cause I abhor it, but I just had a real "AHA Moment!"  I did.  But, wait a minute, now I lost it.  No! There it is. Okay, so, I am realizing (and I warn you here, it may get personal) that I am growing harder and harder in sales, more and more pushy, trying to attain a goal rather than really be in the moment with people, and that I need to soften way up.  It came to me: I already have it.  There lies the mantra - won't be the first time you've heard it, I'm sure.

Walking into a sales' call, or a date  (or, as I like to call'em "future husband/partner man" interview) I must believe that I already have that which I seek.  It's hard cause I'm feeling loads of angst about not having money and nearly enough men, and feeling like I should be doing more.  Strategizing constantly for both things.  How about if I continue thinking about ways in which to offer more opportunity for both, but do so in a softer manner?  But, you see, I don't just soften cause I should - I need something more.  That's where the AHA lies.

I am going to start to live my life knowing, as I have known in the past, that I get what I need, and that I already have that which I wish for.  Because it hasn't materialized yet, I doubt its existence and possibility.  But, it is already there.  I don't have to wait to be happy; I can be happy now.  It's all true! Those self-help manifestation things - they work! To live as if you have all you want means quitting fucking complaining - firstly, in your head, sick of those thoughts, then to others. That's it.  The Rain will Not GET ME DOWN!  I have all I wish for.

Including whomever dares to waste time reading this.

ELEVEN IS THE NEW TEN

 Oh Vancouver - even though the holidays are over and you are trying to get back to "real life" please do not lose the holiday cheer.  Oh, the holidays, such fun:  People were smiling, chatting, laughing - sure, they were also drinking, but I'll take it.  There were dinner parties, drinks with appys, walks in the woods, and a stunning day of skiing on the last day of 2010 followed by wine by the fire to begin the New Years festivities.  Just prrrrrrrfect.  And now, life really begins. Oh 11, I like you so much better than 10.

 About the new year and the pressure we put on ourselves - stop it.  We change numbers and along with it comes this intense need to deny ourselves any of life's decadent luxuries.  Come on.  If you didn't do it before the new year, why now?  Then, you know what will happen?  You will go back to your old ways - of, oh I don't know, licking melted chocolate (Toblerone) out of a big bowl, or methodically getting through a bottle of vino whilst watching Real Housewives. Oh guilt. Self-hatred will permeate as you, yes, stop smiling. And, what happened to our social climate of good will to all? Gone. 

So, I say, let yourselves live. Pretend we are in Italy, or France where it's okay to knock back a bottle of Proseco at lunch. Or to munch away on the baguette you carry home to go with your cream based pasta dish. Do we dare?  How about continuing to smile at one another and making conversation. Sure, we don't have the holidays to discuss - such pithy conversation starters like, "so, get all your shopping done?" but still, maybe we can come up with something new to get us started like, "so, how are the resolutions coming along?" Then again... that might not work.  Just get creative with it!

I am going to propose this.  Life is a holiday.  Slow down the mind (not hard for me) and the rest will follow.  Roses and coffee will be smelled, majestic views will be gawked at, and people will take that extra fifteen seconds, if that, to allow for a little social interaction.  Is it really so hard?  Try this as a resolution - flatter someone you don't know.  Look at the greeter at The Gap and say, "hey, I like your feather earrings!" and you will be pleasantly surprised with the results. Bet you'll catch yourself whistling.  

Now that's the kind of resolution I can get behind. 

Happy 2011 - Resolutions be gone! Let the Cheer live on!